Learning to Ask for Help

There are those of us to learn to be self­reliant at an early age, which can be a blessing

and a curse. On the one hand we learn how to meet and find solutions to obstacles as

they arise; but it also makes it difficult for us to ask for help when we need it. The other

drawback is that if we are not able to help ourselves, as often happens with anyone; it

often leads to feeling of guilt and shame for being unable to handle the situation. While it

is important to be self­reliant, it’s also important to understand how and when to ask for

help. Below are some tips for recognizing when you need help, and for asking for it when

you need it.

Determine the Cause

There are a lot of reasons that people don’t ask for help. For some the reason is that they

learned early on that they couldn’t rely on the people they needed the most. As a child,

Sherri experienced an incident of bullying from some older children. A teacher came to

her rescue, but when the teacher reported the incident to her parents, their response was

to admonish Sherri for not fighting back. Although that may not have been their intent, at

that moment Sherri got the message that she could not come to her parents for support.

As a result, she developed a habit of handling any problems on her own, well into

adulthood, and sometimes with disastrous results. It wasn’t until she had to go to

mandatory counseling that she was finally able to understand how those early events in

childhood shaped her life, but once she did it made it easier for her find ways to ask for

help.

Learn to Let Go

As we grow up we get attached to our idea of who we are, or who we are supposed to be.

Often those ideas are based in large part on the roles that we have been assigned by

other people. Dave grew up in a low-­income, single-parent household. As a child he was

always aware that money was tight and he learned early on that his job was to make

things as easy as possible for his mother, by not asking for much or letting on when he

needed help. As a result, well into adulthood he would suffer in silence rather than bother

anyone by asking for help. Once Dave was able to let go of his role as protector, he was

able to allow himself to need and ask for help.

Recognize the Angels Around You

“Angels” refers to the people in your life that you trust. The ones who are concerned

about you and can help comfort you. Therapytribe.com emphasizes the importance of

having ‘support communities,’ people you can turn to for support, like friends, parental

figures, and other adults whose advice you value. Often, those of us who have difficulty

asking for help also have difficulty realizing how much support we already have. We

stopped looking at other people as a source of support long ago, so that we no longer

know how to look. But if we can open our eyes to the wider world, and actually recognize

the opportunities around us, we can open up to asking for the help we need.

Recognize and Accept When You Are Over Your Head

Those of us who have learned to be self­reliant often have trouble recognizing and

accepting when we are really in trouble. We believe that if we just put our heads down

and focus, that we’ll be able to push through to the other side. We also tend to hide our

distress from everyone, including ourselves. We don’t want our bad moods to rub off on

others, so we Keep Calm and Carry On.

We might not even realize that we are doing it, because it is what we have always done.

Unfortunately, no matter how calm we may seem on the surface, whatever is building

underneath ultimately finds its way out.

Sometimes it’s in the form of anxiety, depression, and insomnia that disrupt your life and

make it even harder to cope with crisis; and sometimes it’s in the form of the decisions we

make, and the actions we take, to resolve the crisis, which ultimately end up making the

situation worse.

By recognizing that these emotions, behaviors, and thought patters are actually

damaging, we can then accept that a situation is beyond our control and get help.

Conclusion

There’s an old saying that no man is an island and what that means is that we don’t exist

in a vacuum, and neither do our problems. At some point in time needs help; it’s not a

sign of weakness and it doesn’t mean that you’re not capable, it means that there are

events in your life that are far bigger than you.

Getting in touch with what’s going on inside of you, and finding the roots of your

reluctance to ask for help, can go along way toward helping you break self­destructive

patterns.