When Long-Term Love Dies: Advice for Letting Go and Starting a New Life

Nobody walks down the aisle and says “I do” with the thought that their marriage may not last a lifetime. Although most persons these days are quite aware of the staggering divorce statistics in this country, in-love couples tend to believe that such a sad end will never happen to them. How wrong they are. The American Psychological Association notes that up to half of all marriages in America end up in divorce court. Here are some of the commonest reasons why:

Money and sex, and not necessarily in that order

Tight finances are known to cause plenty of tension, even in happy marriages. Actually, money doesn’t even have to be extremely scarce in order to cause a marital rift. If one partner does all the earning and the other does all the spending, money inequality can cause all sorts of post-wedding woe. Likewise if spouses have opposing viewpoints about financial matters, says Cosmopolitan magazine. When a spendthrift enters into marriage with a person who prefers to pinch every penny, divorce may not be far away.

Sex provides emotional union between partners, or at least it should. While it may be unrealistic to expect honeymoon fireworks to last for decades, a happy marriage generally involves sexual intimacy at regular intervals. If a husband or wife “stays late at the office” in order to avoid sexual relations with their spouse, it can cause irreparable tension in their stay-at-home spouse. If a spouse withdraws sex to punish their partner for a real or perceived wrong, it can be enough to bring the curtain down on their formerly blissful marital union.

Infidelity and the Internet

Decades ago, when a man (or woman) engaged in an extramarital affair, it usually involved sneaking off to hotel rooms and meeting for furtive lunchtime assignations in the park. That’s certainly not the case anymore. With the advent of the Internet, cheating is as easy as visiting a surreptitious chatroom and flirting with a stranger online. Is cybersex cheating as bad as in-real-life infidelity? You bet it is, says the American Psychological Association.

Katherine Hertlein, PhD, is an associate professor at the University of Nevada in Las Vegas who researches the ins and outs of online affairs.

“It’s not just that you’re communicating with someone online but that there is a sexual or emotional nature. With the Internet, we’re moving away from just physical ideas about infidelity and acknowledging emotional infidelity.”

The results of a number of psychological studies indicate that even without real-life physical contact, an online affair can be equally as devastating to a relationship as a full blown in-person love affair. Whereas men may be more hurt if their spouse hooks up with a real life lover, women tend to be more concerned about the emotional ramifications of a mate who breaks their marriage vows in a chatroom or online cybersex session. If your spouse has been cheating with someone online, and you want to call off the marriage, it would be in your very best interest to consult with an experienced attorney at thetexasdivorcelawyer.com without delay.

Control and compromise

When one spouse feels the need to control all aspects of their mate’s day to day life, trouble may be looming ahead. Nobody wants to be told what to do, and they certainly don’t want their spouse to monitor their every move. Control may be exerted on everything from what the spouse wears to who they are friends with. A spouse who evinces signs of unwarranted jealousy may really be exercising a form of mind control on their partner.

Happy couples compromise, even when they don’t want to. That’s how good relationships work. When two partners are no longer able to make pleasant sacrifices for the other, their relationship may be in peril. Give-and-take is a part of a healthy marriage. If one or both partners refuse to budge on any issue, it may be time to speak with a divorce attorney.

Moving forward

Getting past a sad relationship isn’t easy, but it can certainly be done. If you find yourself newly single, a brief period to mourn your marriage may be appropriate. Cry for a week, if you have to, then it’s time to start living the rest of your life. Call old friends, and go outside and meet new ones. Join a club to meet like-minded persons who enjoy the same sort of activities as you. Volunteer in your community and take your focus off what might have been.

Hayden Atkinson has worked as a therapist for many years and specialises in helping people deal with marriage problems and divorce. On occasion she writes articles for online blogs as well as print publications.