Subtle Signs That Say it Could Be the Right Time to Divorce

No one wants to admit that it’s over. Divorce is often seen as a sign of personal failure. At the same time, it’s important to be happy. And, if you’re not happy in your marriage, it might mean that the relationship is actually over and it’s time to move on. Here’s how to tell when it’s time to call it quits.

Your Positive Interactions Are Outweighed By Negative Interactions

Psychologists have known for years that it’s not necessarily the severity of disagreement and arguments that put strain on a relationship, but rather the number of times you disagree or have arguments that matters.

For example, if you argue 5 times for every one positive interaction, the marriage isn’t a good one. Most people wouldn’t describe themselves as being happy living in it.

Likewise, if you find that you and your spouse argue maybe once or twice for every 5 to 10 positive interactions, your marriage is mostly normal.

Some people will even seek out the help of divorce lawyers to ask their opinion about whether they have a good or bad marriage. Because divorce attorneys have extensive experience with separated and divorced couples, they are often a very good resource for this kind of thing. They can tell you about patterns of behavior what they’ve seen over and over again – what works and what doesn’t.

Arguments Are Explosive

When arguments are explosive in nature, this is a bad sign. You should never have a knock-down, drag-out, fight with the man or woman that you love. Why? Because they are not your adversary. It’s true that, sometimes, arguments get heated. But, if you find yourself talking past your partner, insulting them in serious ways, and yelling and screaming at them during a disagreement, it’s not healthy – ever.

Remember, this is the person you professed love for. This is the person whom is supposed to be your “best friend,” and the one person that you can count on when everyone else abandons you or isn’t there.

Arguing is normal in a marriage. Everyone has disagreements because not everyone thinks exactly alike. But, there’s a difference between disagreement and a yelling match. Disagreements can be solved peaceably, even when it’s a serious disagreement.

One of the hallmarks of a good marriage is the ability to stick to a single topic of disagreement without generalizing or making sweeping statements about the relationship.

For example, if you’re disagreeing about which kind of chair you should get for your living room, you wouldn’t then sideline the conversation by changing topics and saying “You always disagree with me. It always has to be your way or the highway.”

This is not only not productive, it’s probably not true. It’s very rare for a relationship to be that one-sided. And, if it is, you don’t belong in that relationship so it’s over.

You Have Fundamentally Different Values

If you grow apart, and you have truly different values in life, then it’s probably a done deal. People with different belief systems which are not compatible with one another, tend to look at their life differently.

If you can’t agree on, for example, how to raise children, the type of schooling they should have, where you want to live, your long-term career plans, and other major life decisions or the direction of both of your lives would take you in opposite directions, then it’s a sign the marriage is over.

Marriage Counseling Isn’t Really Working

If you’ve been to marriage counseling and it’s not working, the marriage is probably over. Now, “working” can be a somewhat subjective term. If you go to counselling, and you’re going through the motions, you could call that “working.” But, is it really working?

Be honest with yourself.

There is Unfaithfulness In the Marriage

If you or your spouse has cheated in the relationship, it’s over. Sure, some couples do reconcile after the fact. However, once the relationship has deteriorated to this level, it’s nearly impossible to restore it to what it once was.

Part of the reason is that cheating or infidelity is a form of dishonesty. If your spouse cheated on you, he or she is being dishonest about being faithful, about wanting to be in a monogamous relationship (if that’s what you both agreed to), and had to sneak behind your back to pull off the act. 

You Feel Emotionally Exhausted

This is one of the more subtle, but probably definitive signs, that your marriage isn’t working. By the time you get to this feeling, feeling emotionally drained almost feels normal. When you go through marriage counseling, apply all of the techniques and strategies your therapists suggests, and it still isn’t working, then it means there’s very little chance that you’ll find a workable solution for the problems you’re having with your spouse.

It could be that you are two very different people on two very different paths. And, that’s OK. Embrace it, and move on.

Sasha joined Foster LLP as a summer student in 2013, after summering with a prominent litigation boutique in 2012. Sasha practices in all areas of family law and is passionate about obtaining efficient and cost effective solutions for clients. Sasha has appeared before the Provincial Court of Alberta and the Court of Queen’s Bench of Alberta.